Milkshakes + Balloon Animals + Why We Don't Have Kids

People keep asking Jeff and I when we are going to have kids. We are Mormon, after all, and at that rate having been married almost three years should be close to about three kids by now. However, we have decided that we'd better just do what other white people do. They get a dog first. Then, after they have proven they can take care of a dog, then they add children into the mix. We're white, we're very white. So we've been doing that. In fact, we didn't even start with a dog, we started smaller with squirrels... and then added a dog. And, seeing as the dog got hit by a car two weeks ago (my fault, should have been on a leash (stupid, distracting feral squirrels) but he's alright) we probably should wait a while longer. We just need more experience, that's all.

However, we are open to practicing with other people's children. Like Jeff's friend from college. He went on a business trip, and his cute wife decided to go with him. Jeff and I are playing house with their two kids. Jeff is having a good time because 1. They're super cute, and 2. They have already told him they love him 132 times while hugging him and sitting in his lap. He didn't even mind when Abby sat in his lap all through dinner so he could help her eat. He said, "Aw, isn't she just cute as a button?" Of course, this was right when she sneezed half a chicken breast out of her nose all across the table. Jeff was a little taken back, "Buttons don't do that."

Tonight the children conned us into going to Chic Fil A, even though at first Jeff questioned their choice. "Chic Fil A isn't kid friendly, we should go to McDonald's." Um-yes. Aside from the weekly child-themed activity nights, the cheerios, the complimentary place mats, balloons and play area, that place is as far from kid friendly as they get. But, we decided to torture the kids and go anyway.

This is where I want to explain why I think we (Jeff) might need more child experience. I have been really wanting a milk shake. Like, REALLY wanting one for a couple days. But you know if you order one with kids around you have to share it, then they want their own, then they don't eat dinner, then they cry because you make them eat dinner and so forth and so forth until it snowballs into a giant melt down. Right? Right. So we get in line and I whisper, "I want a milk shake. No whip cream (cause they'll see it, duh! )." I also meant to tell him to put a regular lid on it, but since I forgot to mention it, I figured I'd fix that myself. Now this is where I went wrong, I assumed (and we know what happens when you do that) that Jeff would understand by my whispering and pointing to the kids he'd know that meant, "I don't want them to know I am having ice cream for dinner." I thought he got it. Until we sat down. And he only had one place mat for two kids and no napkins, but that's for another day. And then he hands me a milk shake (cookies and cream, not vanilla like I ALWAYS get) COVERED in whip cream with the world's largest cherry on top. Bug eyed, I look at him like, "Are you serious?" So he says in a loud voice, "Oh, sorry, I'll get it off." And then proceeds to start eating it at the table. At this point, one of the kids notices. But, since I am a ninja, I distracted him so fast he forgot. I then whisper yell, "NO! Not at the table, go over THERE." I point to the condiment counter where he could easily hide a small elephant in his hands ..Jeff walks two feet away, eats the whip cream with a HIGHLY VISIBLE SPOON, and then hands me the milk shake with the spoon sticking out, covered in the remnants of the whipped cream. While I was holding my face in my hands sighing, the kids all started begging for ice cream before their chicken nuggets were even open. Awesome. Ask me when we are having kids in like, three more years.

Anyway, tonight our local child-unfriendly Chic Fil A had a balloon artist. Seeing as all the adults in the restaurant were turning their noses up, the children they snuck in all were in line hoping for crowns and elephants. I think the balloon artist was done for the evening as he was telling the kids he was all out of everything they wanted but swords, puppies, and hearts, or also the items that are fastest to make. Coincident? I think not. Will and Abby got puppies.In the car on the way home Will starting freaking out because his puppy, "Wasn't right!" anymore. Jeff discovered he was holding him upside down. He fixed the problem. Two minutes later he was again upset about the puppy. Although this time is was much more serious. It's legs came untwisted. Jeff tried to fix it, but he just kept popping the pieces and untwisting other pieces. He finally handed Will back his mangled puppy, and thankfully he didn't notice for a few minutes that his dog was really a deformed, twisted creature. Then Abby's puppy came undone, but Dr. Tew the balloon vet was able to save her. Then more untwisting and popping happened, and that's when Will realized, and wailed, "My puppy has THREE FACES!"

Clearly, we're still not ready...