Why I got Tackled By an Grouchy, Ugly Old Woman

The second season of soccer has started, and I'm happy to say we won our game tonight.  I would have cried bitter tears if we hadn't.  You see, I am not competitive.  Unless, of course, someone I don't like really wants the same thing as me and I know I can have it.  Then I take it because I am a brat like that.  Only I like to play all innocent when I do it.  I know.  I'm secretly evil.
Our team is mostly young moms who are really sweet girls.  So are most of the teams we play, although occasionally words get exchanged and people shove.  I think most of you know that yes, I can be nice, but if you start something..... well, I'll finish it.
The team we played tonight was half young girls, and half old hags older women.  They were not very good, so they played mean. I don't play that way.  I don't have medical insurance so I avoid physical contact if at all possible. In indoor soccer some shoving is usually acceptable so long as there is a ball you claim you are fighting over.  The women we played tonight were very, very physical.  After we scored one of the older women shoved me for no reason.  I kindly informed her, "You are too old to be playing like that!"  She looked at me like she was going to choke me, and then said, "That wasn't very nice."  Because she was a very mature, matronly grandmother type and knits in her spare time, and then donates the blankets to the homeless, while bottle feeding puppies who have lost their mothers.

Actually, she said, "@##$ you, #$T#&;%." And then kicked a small child who had wandered onto the field.
I rolled my eyes and said, "Whatever."  Because I know that bothers adults when kids don't care what they say.  As I said, I am very mature.
Then a few minutes later because I was dying and thought I was going to have a heart attack decided to sub out.  As I ran into the dug out...  Is it a dug out in soccer? I'm going to call it a dug out. Anyway, as I ran into the dugout I said, "Whew! I am out of breath!"

Another member from the opposite team, who was not the woman with bad highlights that shoved me, leaned over and said something like, "Yeah, well at least we all have our breath!" Or something to that affect (I would hope so, they could have qualified for oxygen tanks).  I think one of our team mates said, "OK, whatever."  She didn't know the exchange this other lady and I had.  And then the old bat got really mad, so she leaned over to me and snarled, "You called my friend a "bad word!!!" 

Uh, no I didn't.  I called her old.  So I very sweetly corrected her, "No I didn't, I called her old!"  

And then the half time buzzer went off and everyone piled in the dug out while she was still screaming pleasantries at me.  I tried to continue the conversation, but was told I had to be quiet and not say anything because we are a nice team. 
And that's why the old woman ran across the field after the kick off and shoved me so hard I fell over backwards.

And that's why the younger girl who grunted like a gorilla every time she got the ball kicked me.

And that is why someone else elbowed me so hard my arm is bruised and it hurts to type.

And that is why the referee called fouls on all of them, and we scored every time.  And won by 6 points..

Victory was exceptionally sweet tonight, and I didn't have to say anything else when there was a 6 foot score board all lit up to do the talking for me.