Breaking Dawn: The Movie Sucks.

SPOILER ALERT!

Jeff and I love to go to the drive-in. We can take the baby, we bring the dog, it's always a double feature, it costs $4 for both of us, we bring in dinner and dessert, and I can complain about the movie without having to whisper. Last night we went to see Breaking Dawn and Tower Heist. The second movie was exactly what you'd expect, I liked it. Of course, any movie with what's-his-face from Night at the Museum and Eddie Murphy ought to be good. Breaking Dawn, however, made me want to poke my eyes out.

The entire plot (well, the attempted plot) was over a four week period. In that time, Bella and Edward get married. Bella looks like she is going to vomit through the whole ceremony. There was too little wedding, I thought. There should have been more of the ceremony and reception.

Then, Jacob gets mad that Bella isn't a vampire yet and is going to get *ahem* "busy" on her honeymoon with Edward. Bella hugs him like they're lost lost lovers.

Edward and Bella go on their honeymoon. She can't decide what lingerie to wear. They have a lot of *ahem* "fun." They talk about having *ahem* "fun" constantly. The audience is subjected watching a third of the movie with Edward and Bella naked, having *ahem* "fun."

Exactly fourteen days after the wedding, Bella pukes. She discovers she is pregnant because the baby is moving, and she can feel it. They're in shock. After all that *ahem* "fun" and no mention of birth control, who would have thought? It's madness!!!

The baby is half vampire, and since Bella isn't, it starts to eat her from the inside out. All the vampires want the baby aborted. Bella sits around in silence. Finally, one time, she mutters something about wanting to keep the baby. She doesn't insist she keep the baby in a moving scene about a mother's love for her unborn child. Nope. She just sits around while all the vampires stare at her very grimly and say things like, "She's going to die." "She is dying." "It's killing her." Bella picks out hideous names for the baby.

Meanwhile, the wolf pack decides to go after the vampires. Jacob is mad at Edward (WHAT!??). I can't figure out why this kid doesn't butt out, she's married! To someone else! She clearly doesn't love you! Move on, man. Also, don't these people need to do something to pay the mortgage on their homes? All they do is stand around and talk about Bella. Personally, Bella hasn't done anything cool enough in my book to deserve this attention. But, it must be boring to be a vampire so they all are cool with spending every waking minute obsessing about her.

Bella has to drink human blood to stay alive. She likes it. Then she has to have an emergency c-section without anesthetic. They're shocked when she dies. One of the vampires wants to eat the baby.

The baby is ugly. Jacob imprints the baby (uh, child molester...). Edward chews Bella up. She's still dead. They put cute clothes on her. She comes back to life, only with red eyes.

All I know is that means there is going to be YET ANOTHER TWILIGHT MOVIE. Although you probably knew that if you read the books. I can't bring myself to.

I want my $1 back.